Dear Compassionate Friends:

As you can see from this depiction of one person's perception of their grief, our grief is definitely not a "linear" journey. We do not move smoothly from one stage to another in an orderly manner, where we can think "Whew, I'm so glad I'm done with THAT one!" Instead, it's very chaotic for a long time. Grief changes your entire body; your mind, physical health, metabolism, sleep patterns and especially thought processes like memory.



Each person's grief journey is different. Husbands and wives, siblings, and grandparents all grieve differently and on different timelines. It can make it difficult to communicate your grief needs and your support to your family and friends when you are "all over the place" like the picture on the right. I think it helps to be honest when someone asks "how can I help?" if you know. If you want to be alone to pray or meditate and just think about your child so you can cry, if you just need a hug, if you want to take out your child's pictures or memory box to talk about those memories, communicate that.

Check in with your partner, children and other grieving family members often to see if they need support. I can remember a sibling sharing once that it was so lonely after their sibling died because no one ever asked how they were doing. People only asked how their parents were doing. The sibling felt he could not share his pain and grief because it would add to the parents' despair. He felt he needed to take care of the adults, and could no longer be the hurt child.

Be kind to yourself. Understand this is a long journey of many small steps for you and all those you love and who love you. Remember to breathe, rest, eat and cry if you need to, laugh if you can and hug often.

I wish you comfort and healing, and the peace that passes all understanding.

In friendship,