Dear Compassionate Friends:

Has anyone ever said to you "you shouldn't feel that way?" or "are you still going to that group?" or other remarks that seem to dismiss our grief or invalidate our feelings of pain and loss? Grief is one of the most deeply human feelings we all have, and deeply personal. I feel remarks like this are not only not helpful, but dehumanizing as well. They might as well have said cruelly "get over yourself". When you are feeling vulnerable and alone in your pain, these kind of comments only serve to increase those feelings of isolation and lack of support from others.



Please, please understand that you have the right to your feelings, even if others cannot understand. Your feelings are your feelings—good or bad—you get to feel however you wish. You get to decide how to grieve and for how long. If it brings you comfort to go to the cemetery and talk to your child every day, do it as long as you need to. If it brings you comfort to leave your child's room just as he left it, do it.

Navigating through grief takes a very long time, and you are never completely healed, but it does get better. We can learn to live with sadness and a mended broken heart. This is why Compassionate Friends encourages you- to reach out to other grieving families, whether it's attending monthly support meetings, finding an on-line chat group, or reading or educating yourself through books. Some of our Friends have found healing with their faith, or consulted mediums and found the sessions comforting. The most common healing experience seems to be just regularly being with others who understand and allow you to share about your child and your feelings of grief. It is so healing to hear how others are coping with their pain, and who honestly want to hear about and get to know you and your child, sibling or grandchild. You're not going to have a Compassionate Friend change the subject or do the "side step" others do when they are uncomfortable with your pain and grief and just want to get away. So...reach out. You are not alone. You don't have to take this journey by yourself and it doesn't have to be "self guided". In reaching out to others who take your hand you help yourself and those who grab your hand to heal. Seek the answers you need, feel the feelings you feel and remember we can heal together.

I wish you comfort and healing, and the peace that passes all understanding.

In friendship,